Friday, June 19, 2009

"All who wander are not lost"

I'm watching "The Lord of the Rings" Trilogy with my son. It's been 30 years since I first read the stories and about 2 years since I last saw the movies. 5th graders ask great questions. The reading void has been filled now with the promise of 3 great books.

Gandalf's quote has been my mantra over the past year. I know I'm not lost, but I don't know where I'm wandering exactly. It's a disconcerting feeling - like a dream where you know where you are but it looks different somehow. And like a dream I have so little emotion about it all. It's just sort of there.

This morning I watched the sun rise as I ate my usual breakfast. The sky was the clearest blue - an unending bright blue sea of possibilities as far as the eye could see. An inspiring blue. A hopeful blue. A "future's so bright I have to wear shades" sort of blue. I almost felt something.

Then a distant echoing drumbeat. Today's trash day. Collect all the trash. Clean the fridge out. What's that smell? Really is that watermelon THAT old? One sniff and my nose hairs recoiled in fear trying to run and hide. Vacuum the downstairs. Clean out the litter box. Today is a Physical Therapy/Speech Therapy day. Pack up the car: water bottles; snacks, and diaper bag. Check. Find the coupons and the grocery list. Check. "Everybody get dressed and brush your teeth. We are leaving in 10 minutes." Amazingly we do. The impossibly blue sky was covered with hordes of white/gray clouds. Marching slowly across the expanse.

Leaving early affords me the opportunity to check out the new gas station. Saved $.10/gallon there. On a full tank of gas. Love that. Maybe a few of those clouds are marching away. I am not running late. I have the luxury of driving the speed limit and not worrying about whether I will make our appointment on time. Wow - this feels great. Liberating almost. Relaxing. Especially when Jimmy Buffet crones over the speakers. "Frankenstein had nothing on this body of mine. The villagers still come out to see. To see me. Breakin free. Cuz I've got a schoolboy heart. A novelist eye...."

It occurs to me that he is a great lyricist. I brought along a couple books about writing better. I am not a good writer. Maybe someday. But not today. I wonder if that is part of my wandering. Wandering towards better writing. What else am I wandering towards? What else is out there for me? Emotionally I feel flat. Nothing excites my passions these days. I almost felt something this morning watching that Blue Sky of Possibilities. Those "marching clouds of to do's" cover up the light and impossibilities of a crystal clear blue sky. They lead me on neither happy nor sad, just there, hanging out. Near the crystal clear blue sky of impossibilities, but never reaching it. In my happy dreams I wander past those clouds and realize that impossible sky.

1 comment:

Beth said...

What amazes me, is that, aside from your great descriptions, that you actually accomplished so much. I make my to-do lists (in my brain) and then promptly forget them. Nothing gets done. I think I wander and I am lost. It would take me 6 months at least to figure out what *I* would actually *want* to do if I had a choice.

Hope you see more of that sky.